Sol Pais and the Marketplace of Alienation - Grunky


The only attitude toward life that makes any sense.

Sol Pais and the Marketplace of Alienation

Sol Pais, the 18-year-old high school senior from Miami who led police in Colorado on a 24-hour manhunt, fearing that she would mark the twentieth anniversary of Columbine by shooting kids with a gun she had purchased, is dead, a victim of suicide.

USA Today linked to her blog.  It is filled with journal entries like this ...

JANUARY 15, 2019

lately it feels like time has been moving faster than
usual. or better said, it feels like evolutions in emotions and sentiments
of mine have been occurring faster than usual, my views and
thoughts becoming more extreme and solidified as time
goes by. to be honest, i don’t know exactly where i am, and there is more than one
way that that statement applies to me. i feel like a pot of scolding water on the verge of boiling
over… so dangerously close to spilling over.. and what that may cause is yet
to be seen and most likely a hazard, to myself and others. i’m afraid of my currently unknown
capacity for pain and misery and anger. each time it gets exponentially worse
and worse. my soul is in deep suffering and dis-belonging. i have done
quite a good job at keeping all of the explosive energy
inside of me but every time… worse and worse. and worse. like a new
channel of emotion inside me opens and more anger and frustration and
sadness fills it. there are no adequate words to describe
the feeling.

This young woman was alienated, miserable, despairing and lost. 

And she, like countless others her age, found a marketplace that catered to this despair.  For one thing, she followed a number of bands that feed these lost souls more of the same, "entertainment" that profits off of such pain and angst.  She lists her favorite bands on her blog and gives samples of the lyrics of many of their songs.  The lyrics sound like her journal entries.

She also provides a list of links, including pages that advocate anarchy and satanism.

One of her handwritten journal entries makes it clear that she loves a boy.  Amidst the sketches of guns, bloody knives, the Columbine killers and a cage into which is etched the words I CAN'T GET OUT is an entry on love.

This boy seems to have returned her love at one point (though she has blocked out his name) - and yet even that is unclear.  And, though Sol Pais's writing does not reveal a psychosis, it is not out of the question that this boy was perhaps an idealized version of one of the Columbine shooters, rather than a living boy she knew in real life.  It's hard to say.

Whoever this mystery guy was, this entry is the only ray of hope in the entire blog.

There are entries in which Sol Pais hints at buying a gun and preparing for "the day", and reminding herself that she will have to respond to the police.

It is quite sad that Pais was being at least partially public about this - and yet no one intervened before it was too late.  And though her online persona "dissolvedgirl" was an attempt at a form of anonymity, apparently the FBI and USA Today were able to access these posts and others - and so one wonders why someone closer to Sol Pais didn't.  

Teens like this young lady are common.  I have worked with them for years.  This is not an unusual response to life - this brooding and potentially violent nihilism. 

This young woman was let down in many ways.  Not only were her partially veiled calls for help ignored, but she was given apparently unfiltered access on the internet to sites promoting satanism, violence and the kind of music that only fueled her depression and sense of dissociation and unreality.  

We can be thankful that she harmed no one else physically.  But her anguish and despair led her to kill herself.  May the Lord have mercy on her soul.

1 comment:

  1. yes Kevin very insightful I suffer PTSD and it's a driving emotional despairing vicious disease...and I control it with moment by moment surrender to God's will...but I empathize with suicidal impulses...Rhonda Chervin gathered up quite a few saints whi struggled with despair in AVOIDING BITTERNESS IN SUFFERING...a book everyone should have.